I'm scared so am I
by baby hosey
Summary: I'm scared... so am I... touches on another side of GSR and has no real touch on time... just some fun... enjoy
1. Chapter 1

I'm scared… I'm scared too

Ch 1

Sara had been feeling unwell for a few weeks and has been acting so strangely. Some days she couldn't get enough of me others I think she'd rather I be back in Peru far far away from her. It hurts that's she's like this and I cant stand it anymore.

Over breakfast I sat opposite her she seemed in an ok mood

"Sara" she looks up

"I'm worried about you"

she shakes her head "why?"

how do I tackle this "well you don't look well and your always saying you feel ill why don't you go see the doctor?"

again shakes her head "its nothing ill be fine"

"well your obviously not one minute you won't leave me alone then next you couldn't get me further away, what's going on?"

"I'm not standing this, see you later"

she gets up and walks out... Exactly what I mean...

Well I sits at home trying to work out what I do wrong to upset her so much, when my cell rings 'nick' flashes up, something's wrong

"hi nick"... I can hear Sara shouting

"Gris you need to get to the hospital Sara just passed put and she's going go get checked out weather she likes it or not"

I'm deeply worried but glad we may get to the bottom of her problem

"ok ill meet you there"

I jump in the car and drive over once there I find nick,

"hi Gris, she's in there, not talking to me cos I made her come but she's been feeling ill for weeks now, I'm worried" I pat his arm "so am I, I'm glad she's here"

"they've taken samples for testing but she's intent she's fine but that's sara. Neway now your here ill run"

I smile "thanks for making her come and staying"

he nods "no problme. will you let me know what happens?"

"Of course, see you later"...

I walk in and she looks away,

"hi hun, how you doing?"

I try to hold her hand but she pulls away and crosses her arms, saying nothing...

"Sara talk to me what's wrong?"

"I'm not ill; I don't need to be here. I didn't eat properly and so I passed out"... I shake my head and sit on the chair.

We sit silently both it would appear thinking... Then a doctor comes in

"uhh you must be Mr Grissom, now I have the results of your tests. It would appear your pregnant. Now I need you to go up to ultra sound for a scan to see how far gone you are then I can refer you to your doctor to continue your care and due to your work ill sign you off for three days so you can build up your energy"

I'm smiling ear to ear stunned, she'd been off the pill for sometime now and it had never crossed my mind...

"You collapsed as you have a low iron count, but as you said you haven't been eating much. Ill prepare your iron supplements while your at ultra sound" then he leaves...

I'm still stunned and overwhelmed I stand to be with Sara who looks blankly at me... No emotion...

"Sara you not happy?"

she just looks at me "jump out while I change"

I can't believe I'm hearing it "jump out?"

"Yeah"

I do as told and wait outside... I don't like this at all, after a minute she walks out dressed

"let's go" is all she says and marches off...

"Slow down" she just carries on.

We get to ultra sound and she books in,

"is the gentleman going in with you?" asks the receptionist, she pauses before saying

"yes" in a almost unhappy way,

she sits down next to me and we wait... I move to hold her hand and she moves it away...she's never like this with me ever...maybe she's just scared or not sure how to feel but its scaring me...

Were called through, I sit next to her and wait to see our baby... All gooed up, the radiographer starts run the wand over her stomach

"uhh I can clearly see your baby, and you are roughly..." she turns to a chart "four months pregnant. Want to see?"

I smile and nod, she turns the screen,

"here you go, your baby",

I smile and grab Sara's hand she can't escape me now

"look our baby" she still stays the same...no expression

"Ill print you a copy to show to your family and friends" "thanks" I say

While Sara gets cleaned up I look at our baby... I can't believe I'm finally gonna be a daddy...

"Let's go, I wanna go home" announces sara marching off again.

We walk over to see the doctor "so what did they say?"

I smile at him "four months"

"uhh OK. Ill write to your doctor. Here's the iron and a few leaflets that may help you"

I take them, "thank you. Come on hun home time".

before we get to the car,

"Sara shouldn't you call cath tell her your gonna be off"

"I don't want anyone to know that I'll pregnant yet"

what's going on she's clearly not happy

"ok well tell her your iron count dropped and you need to get it back up before the doctor will let you come back to work"

that is near enough exactly what she said with no emotion or anything.

The car ride is silent and I hate it so much... My minds in over drive..


	2. Chapter 2

I'm scared… I'm scared too

Ch 2

Once home the silence is killing me, I sit on the sofa,

"Sara come sit with me, please"

"I'm not in the mood to talk"

"OK then just sit with me"

"no I'm tired"

I let out a sigh "ok can I come lay with you?"

she sighs "no, I just wanna lay"

I feel my anger rising "what have I done Sara? Why are you pushing me away?"

she turns to me "how am I pushing you away?"

I shake my head "Sara you won't touch me, or get near me unless you want attention. what have I done? Tell me"

she turns away "leave it gil"

"just as I said your pushing me away, would you rather I'd never come back from Peru?"

I wanna cry, I feel it brewing

"of course not"

"then what? I know your emotions are probably up in the air as your pregnant but..."

"Don't try that one"

I can't do this, I break into tears... She obviously don't want me or our baby

"Oh whatever Sara..." my voice wavers at the end.

I turn and walk into my study... what have I done to her? I love her so much and she can't even be near me or touch me... Maybe she wants to split up? Maybe she doesn't want this baby? Maybe she felt pressured into it? Oh my god I've done this... I sit in my chair and cry... I've fucked this all up...

I sat for what seemed forever, crying...

"Gil" I hear her voice outside the door

"yes?" is all I can manage

"you coming to bed? Its late"

I walk out and walk across to the bedroom, I strip to t-shirt and boxers and climb into bed... I lay there feeling like hell, all I want to do is hold her and tell her I love her but she doesn't want me...

After a while I can't be silent

"Sara what's wrong? I know I've done you wrong but please talk to me"

her backs turned to me "I'm tired not now"

She's seen my tears and she still doesn't care... This will end in her kicking me out but I can't live without her...

After a few hours Sara was asleep, and I went back to my study, I couldn't be next to her without wanting to hold her or touch my baby... Not that that fact apparently matters anymore...

I must of fallen asleep there as next I knew the sun was shinning through the window and I could hear Sara moving around. I slowly stand, stretch then opened the door and I see Sara just sitting on the sofa, normally I'd be over massaging her shoulders or just hugging her but that's long gone... Then I hear, she's crying... Do I go over or do I leave her

"Sara"

"yes?"

"Can I come over?" I want to be sure

"yes...please gil"

I gently walk over and sit next to her...

"What's wrong?"

she takes a deep breath "gil why did I wake up alone?" Christ what do I say

"because I'm... scared and uneasy around you so I took away the temptations"

she looks confused

"Sara recently I have no idea how to be with you one moment your all over me and you can't get enough, the next you won't even look at me. So I couldn't lay with you as all I wanted to do was hold you"

her crying becomes more of a sob, I hate when she cries, "talk to me. please"

she looks at me "I can't"

I can't do this "then ill go, you clearly don't want me anymore, all you ever want is my body you can get that anywhere, and you clearly do not want my child so ill leave, save you feeling bad when your no longer in love with me"

I go to move, she grabs my arm "stop gil"

"why? Its all true isn't it?"

"No" is all she says before her sob takes over,

I say "come here" and I take her into my arms...

I start crying again... This I meant to be the happiest moment in a couple's life and were both sat here crying.

Slowly she calms down "gil"

"yes"

"I love you, I really do but I'm... I'm... Scared..."

"Scared of what?"

"That I'm gonna turn into my mum or pass bad genes onto our baby" oww our baby, sounds better

"how will you turn into your mum? In what way?"

she sighs and pulls out of my arms,"my mum loved me in her own way, but I don't know a real mothers love, I'm scared I won't love them like I should then ill make another me with a messed up life..."

"Sara I hear you but you love me, if you didn't know how to love how can you love me?"

she shrugs "I don't know, but I'm not very good at it at the moment am I?"

I shrug "but you've bottled all this worry for sometime, its fine now I know. And you saying that my dad died when I was seven, I never knew a dads love so how am I meant to know how to love a child? I don't but we will learn to, togther. Anything else?"

she takes my hand "I'm not attacking you but its in my head...my dad started attacking mum while she was pregnant with me"

I'm very suprised by this, I've hardly ever raised my voice to her, why she scared now?

"Gil I know you would never hurt me but its on my mind"

"so its not that your specifically scared of me hurting you?"

"no hun its not"

I'm happier now and wait for the next bit, just listening

"I guessed I was pregnant a few weeks ago but I didn't want to admit it to myself so I tried to carry on as normal but clearly it didn't work, I let my fear take over and yes I have pushed you away then pulled you in, and I'm sorry..." her voice wavers

"its fine, now I know we can work on it together, I'm as scared, come here"

she stands up, what's she doing?

"If were gonna hug I want a proper hug" and she sits on my lap, legs either side and pulls me in... We embrace tightly for what feels forever but I never want to let go...

"gil"

it startles me "yes hun"

"I love you so much, and I can't believe were having a baby"

I've been dying to hear this from her "I know"

"where'd you put the scan picture?"

wow she is taking it on

"in the bag there?" I point to the table

"can you reach it and balance me?"

"yeah" I lean forward with her and I get the bag,

"here you go" she gets it out the bag and a little tear escapes

"gil this is our little baby"

I smile "yes it is"

she smiles as more tears escape "you know what we have to do don't you?"

"What?"

"call mum and meet her for lunch later then tell her" she pauses "even better, we can copy this and give it to her, cos knowing mum she'll want to show off, won't she?"

to think a little while ago mum and Sara had a row, now there like buddies

"that's a wonderful idea hun, she'll love that"

she smiles "do it now"

I look at the clock on the wall "not right now, later"

she looks puzzled "why?"

"Cos Sara its 5am, too early... I'm thinking bed then get up a bit later call mum and breakfast, good idea?"

she nods "if you stay with me yes"

"of course"

she slides off my lap, I stand take her hands and lead her to the bedroom, we slide into bed and Sara is soon asleep.

I lay thinking about our little one; I can't wait to be a dad. I wonder if it'll be a boy or girl. Who they'll look like? I lay for what seems forever.

I've heard talking to your baby is good, so I gently move down the bed so I'm level with sara's belly

"hey little one" I whisper "daddies sorry he upset mamma earlier, but its ok now, I can't wait for you to be born, got sometime left yet but I'm gonna love you so much"

I really can't wait...

"Will you still love me as much?" comes a quiet sleepy voice

"morning hunny, always, ill always love you, you sleep ok? I didn't wake you did I?"

"No hun, its wake up time"

I smile, and move back up, then place a kiss in her lips... She moves, pulls me in again and holds me in place. It feels amazing, I move back

"Now hun once you get up you need food, what do you fancy? Ill cook whatever you want"

she thinks "you can't cook what I want"

I'm puzzled "what do you want then?"

She smiles "pizza"

"For breakfast?"

she laughs nodding...

"Ok ill get on the laptop see where's open for pizza at this time"

I kiss her again then move down and kiss her belly, I look up and the most wonderful smile greets me.

I get up, message mum she replies quickly,

"mums meeting us at that Italian at two for late lunch" I shout as Sara is still in bed, I find a pizza place and order her pizza, I can't think of anything worse than pizza for breakfast.

I start to scan our baby picture into the laptop when I feel hands on my shoulders

"hi hun, its ordered be about ten minutes now"

she leans in and wraps her arms around my neck

"thanks hun, look at our little one, beautiful"

I smile "yeah our baby, I can't believe it, its gonna be the laptop wallpaper"

Sara sighs "I was thinking while being lazy" she pauses

"your not lazy your pregnant and low on iron, what were you thinking?" I ask

"When you were away you'd read to me at night sometimes?"

umm how could I forget I loved those times

"yeah, I loved it"

"well I was thinking you could read to our baby"

I wanted to cry "yeah that would be great"

she pulls back a little

"I gonna sit on the sofa till pizza comes, what you eating?" I'd not thought about me "umm... Toast will do me, ill be out in a minute" she kisses my neck and goes.

Pizza arrives and I make toast for myself. I sit at the table opposite my beautiful wife... Eating her pizza, glowing, she's settled and is at peace at last...


	3. Chapter 3

I'm scared… I'm scared too

Ch 3

Once we've eaten I go to wash up, I get to the sink and I feel two hands appear around my waist, I smile

"yes?" is all I say

"I want a shower" she says

"right, we'll go have one"

"uh gil your so funny, I want a shower... With you"

My heart almost stopped beating, what do I say in return?

"Ok, come on then"

I'm not going to question or anything, just do as requested.

She leads me into the bedroom then into our ensuite.

She slowly strips off and I can clearly see she is showing a little baby bump, I shiver, that's my little one in there, I strip and we get into the shower. I've missed her body so much and I at last feel at ease to touch her as I please and she let's me.

We gets out the shower and Sara slips into her dressing gown

"opps we have a problem" I turn

"what's that?" she turns to me

"it doesn't fit anymore" as she attempts to pull it around herself,

I laugh "here honey have mine, we can buy you a new one before we meet mom today" she laughs as I help her into mine, I walk out naked and start to look for clothes. I slip into my boxers then I turn to ask her opinion and I'm alone

"honey?"

"yeah" comes a quiet voice,

She clearly in the lounge or near there

"where are you?"

"babies room"

this stumps me, babies room; yeah it will be babies room. It'll need painting and clearing, then setting up. Job for later look for baby things and sort a list.

I walk into the spare room; aware I am only in my boxers

"you ok honey?"

She turns

"oww better for seeing you like this" she smiles

"I was just looking for... Uh ha... This" and she holds up a frame

"remember I bought it saying we may need it, well we need it now. I was thinking put the baby picture in it for mom" she smiles, so do I

"yeah great idea, and ill make sure mum knows it was your idea"

She comes and wraps her arms around me

"I love you gil"

It melts my heart

"I love you too. Now let's dress, head out do some shopping then meet mom"

Sara nods, "do I get a kiss first though?"

How could I deny a request? And I move down and we kiss a kiss like we used to have in the early days, I know I must appreciate this attention when it cones as she can soon flip back to not wanting it. She pulls back

"were you calling for a reason?"

"Yes I was calling for an opinion on what to wear?" she laughs and we go back into the bedroom.

Soon dressed I realise Sarah has a problem

"my favourite jeans don't fit anymore?" I smile

"don't you be laughing, this is your fault too" she laughs

"well honey that means more shopping doesn't it?" I say

her eyes shine

"really? You don't like shopping"

This is true

"well it's partly my fault your jeans don't fit so ill get you some new ones. We can also go in that new baby shop"

I leave her to decide what to wear and go out to put the baby scan in the frame and find a gift bag for it.

"Gil?" no rest for the wicked

"yes?"

"can you find some wrapping paper for mums present, please?"

"yes, shall I wrap it?" I hear her laugh

"please"

She's awful at wrapping so she always gets me to do it but moans as I take time to do it, I'm a perfectionist what can I say?. I sat at the table wrapping when I heard her coming, I turn to see her in a wonderful cream summer dress, it takes my breath away

"you look..."

"fat? Ugly?" she interrupts

"no honey, you look amazing and as beautiful as ever" she looks away

"Really?"

"yes really" I get up and go to her,

"this is a lovely dress, fits you now and doesn't show off too much"

I'm still not sure if she wants the world to know yet

"doesn't show off to much as in what?" she doesn't look happy

"your bump honey, it hides it"

She laughs "well after mum knows we can tell the world so its fine"

Ill feel even prouder when everyone knows. I pull her into my arms

"I can't wait to tell mom" and I kiss her

"nor can I, but think soon ill show even more and this dress will have to stretch" she laughs

"my darling you will still look amazing"

We set off into town, holding hands all the way. I feel great having Sara like this again, it's been tough on us both, though neither of us would admit it but this baby brings a whole new meaning to our marriage.

Well I can't believe how much we spent on new clothes for her, but it's needed and she's worth it. I'm loaded up with bags so take them back to the car leaving Sara in the baby shop. I get back and she's looking at baby cots,

"I like this one" I say making her jump

"so do I. Just think in 6months well have a baby, our own baby"

I take her hand

"yes we will, I hope the worlds ready for it" we both laugh and head over to the restaurant.

We sit outside in the sun which makes her glow even more, I rest my arm in the back of her chair and she snuggles in,

"I feel like a kid again, how you do this to me?"

She laughs "cos were in love and having a baby" and we kiss, and kiss. Until a chair grinds and I look up, I move my arm

"oww hi mum"

She sits opposite me

"hi, you two look happy"

Sara blushes "hi, how are you?"

"I'm good. No work today Sara?"

Sarah smiles at me "no I'm not well"

Mom looks surprised "I hope not too unwell?"

Sara can't contain her excitement nor can I

"Sara give it to her"

She laughs "mom we have something for you"

And she passes over the bag

"what's this for?"

We smile and both say "for you"

She looks suspiciously at us then opens it, turns the frame around

"no! Your not? Your..."

"Pregnant! Yes"

"And this is my grandchild?"

We nod "yes, four months gone now"

"uh I'm so happy" I swear I see tears forming

"I could cry. I'm going to be a grandma, at last"

We both smile so does mum,

"let's eat, my treat".

The waitress comes over and moms already showing off her baby grandchild, we both knew she'd be like this.

I go to the bathroom and when I get back sara's sat next to mom with her cell out

"gil I love this cot, its great, last a long time too"

Again I knew mom would be like this, but I wondered how the team would take the news.

Well soon I found out, Sarah's three days off passed and she returns to work, it would give me time to sort the baby's room and board the loft properly for the stuff in the room. Well she'd been gone an hour and my cell started going off firstly Gregg, then all the rest, even ecklie text with congratulations, then the first call came

"hey daddy to be, how are ya?" its was cath

"hey, I'm good how are you?"

"Great, I'm off today, Sara called with the news, do you need hand sorting that spare room out?"

I thought "if you want to its a messy job, but would be nice to see you"

"ok ill be over soon"

Spending the day boarding the loft and sorting out the boxes would of been so boring without cath helping. Once done we sat down for a coffee

"so gil, soon to be daddy, how'd you feel about it? Be honest"

I take a breath "I'm happy, I gave up the idea long ago of being a father and it has been hard the last few months on us both buts its great, its going to be great" I pause "I must show you" I stand and collect my cell "I present my baby"

She takes it from me and looks at it

"uh so cute, been a long time since I looked at one of these. But you do know this'll be the most protected baby alive don't you?"

I laugh "yeah with all of the team looking after them no one will dared breath"

she laughs "indeed this will be a loved baby"

I took a part time job teaching and going around schools and uni's talking about being a csi. It was great to be working.

Well the months soon passed by and Sara got bigger and bigger, I love how she swelled and with each scan I grew more excited.

By the time she was six months gone, the baby's room was painted and all set up ready, by then I wanted the baby out so much to fill the little room with something, to give it a purpose. Names was a fun topic I liked traditional pretty girl names and manly boy names, Sara was the opposite with more modern names.

At seven months we had a baby shower with the team, this baby was spoilt rotten and it wasn't even born yet.

"Gris I'm so glad your finally having a baby, a mini you and Sara is gonna change the world, not just for us but for future generations, you watch. But I'm so glad to see you and Sara so happy at last" said nick after a few beers, maybe baby sidle-grissom would do great things... I didn't care I just wanted to hold and love the baby

By seven and a half months Sara gave up working, to rest and be with me at home.

Laid in bed one morning Sara snuggled up to me

"gil I've been thinking"

"about what?"

"about us, this baby" I felt my heart sink, I stayed silent

"I was thinking I hate my name so why would I want to give it to our baby?"

I just listen, still a little worried

"I want to change my name to yours and just have baby grissom, what you think?"

I was stunned Sara had always said she would remain a Sidle, I never expected this to change

"its up to you, it always has been. Has mom said something? I warned her"

"Gil stop its not mom, I want to, I want this baby to know who they are and a double barrelled name will be difficult for them to Learn to spell"

I just laugh,

"when we get up can we go online and do it?"

She was eager "yeah if your sure?"

"I am"

And she was, as soon as I got up to make a drink

"you turning that laptop on?"

Within a few minutes Sara was officially Mrs Sara grissom, it sounded funny at first but it felt good.

Nine months was here and I was counting days down the days. Well I can tell you from he contractions starting to my first look at my baby was a blur of madness. Loads of noise, rushing to hospital, more noise then out came our baby... I cried, I have to admit, I held our little baby first, he was beautiful, screaming but beautiful. Then Sara held him.

Once both were cleaned up I held him while Sara slept, it had been a long labour.

Looking down at him made me feel so needed.

"Your wonderful" I whispered to him "your going to be so loved and looked after, your so lucky. I love you" and I gently kissed his head.

Sara woke and we started talking about his name, it wasn't difficult, it came naturally looking at him we knew exactly what to name him... Noah James grissom...


End file.
